That’s it! After all my excitement, all I got was an “ok”. And for the record, I didn’t reply back to his message. Sa isip ko, “nagmessage ka pa! Hmpf!” So I had to move on from that disgrace… it was abit degrading… I mean I tried flirting (somehow), though I know it was a bit too late but atleast I tried then ganon lang. Ang hirap kaya na babae mauna manlande diba? (well atleast for me it is..) Siguro at my age, and probably my era made me think that’s its an effort for women to do flirting.

So you may be wondering why am I still doing this? What happened? Why am I not happily married like other 40’s women are, diba? Well number 1, though I’m 40, I’m very much into technology…. I’m in IT business, so I’m very comfortable of using apps and as much as possible I take advantage of it, so that’s one. Second, well apparently just this year my 7 years relationship just ended. Oo ate, masaklap sya, promise! And 3rd, why am I not married? simply because none of my past boyfriends have asked me! Ayun! Ewan ko ba… naisip ko tuloy yung sinabi ni Angelica Panganiban in one of her interviews with Vice Ganda na, “Meron bang sign dito sa ulo ko na ok lang lokohin ako”… relate na relate ako dun. Bakit ba kase ganito. Pero sa totoo lang my last relationship (the 7 years), yun talaga yung nasaktan ako ng todo. It wasn’t because he cheated on me, but because, he doesn’t love me anymore.

Oo, teh, totoo yun. Pero I kinda admire him for standing up like that and tell those harsh words right into my face. And he said that not because he loves someone else, but because he couldn’t bear me anymore. At yun  ang pinakamasaket. Sabi ko ok na sana na iniwan ka dahil sa iba, dahil meron kang masisisi na IBA, pero mas masaklap pala na sarili mo ang sisisihin mo sa paghihiwalay nyo.  Hu!

Hey, it is not what you think. I never cheated on him, but rather I became a bitch! Sobrang sama ng ugali ko sa kanya. I didn’t treat him right. At masakit ako magsalita. It seems that I wasn’t really able to move on from his flaws. The truth is, he had alot of lapses in our relationship before especially issues about his exes… ganyan. And it seems that everyday of my life with him, I felt I was competing with these women. Ewan ko ba. I even went to the point that I stalk his exes almost everyday of that 7 years! Tanong mo na lahat, alam ko yan… anong work nila, birthday, taga san, mga napuntahan… name it, alam ko!

I wasn’t happy doing it, in fact I hated myself for doing those crazy things. Ang nakakainis pa nito naging habit ko na! Not only that, I became so vain. Spending lots of money for my hair, fashionable clothes at kung ano ano pang anech anech na hindi ko naman talaga kelangan. It became my obsession – to stalk his exes, and be the most beautiful in his eyes (so I thought I was). Tapos I kept on making itineraries for the 2 of us, just because I want us to have nice pics together that I can post publicly in my social media account.  This became my cycle of life with him. 

Exhausting, isn’t it? Hell yea it is!  While I was consistently doing these crazy routine, I became dysfunctional with all other parts of my life – my work, family and friends…. And maybe that’s why I changed drastically on how I treat him. Para bang I’m blaming him for everything, why I was acting like that. Parang I became a monster. Masyado akong naging critical sa kanya. Lahat nalang napapansin ko – Pagdridrive nya, pagsalita nya, gestures nya… basta lahat lahat, as in. Buwesit lang ako sa kanya. In my head, iniisip ko na dapat kakayanin nya yun kase nga sya naman may kasalanan. But despite him changing to the person I want him to be, I continued to be a worst monster for him. Until one day, he broke those words… and with great pride in my heart, I accepted it and walked out from his life. Later ko nalang naisip na mali… ako ang mali… I did this to myself and I have hurt the person I wanted to spend my life with 🙁 . But it was too late. Everytime I try to get him back… wala eh… naduduwag akong sabihin sa kanya ang totoo. I tried to reach out through email, text, viber, fb messenger… pero ayun… he never replied. That was just a strong message from him that he doesn’t want to do anything with me. Sakit noh? haha … well, pero sabi nga kelangan magmove on na tayo sa buhay.  And this time, I don’t want to be selfish and win him back just because I realized that I needed him in my life, but instead, I want him to be happy. So if making him happy means staying out of his life forever then so be it. 🙂

Pero kahit naman ganon, it’s not really easy to move on with my life. I tried entertaining suitors, pero I’m just not into it. And then finally, few months after while I was driving home… anak ng teteng … I just noticed that tears rolled in my cheeks while I was listening to Moira’s song “Malaya” . Grabe naman! Tagos sa puso. It made me pray to God and finally seek his help. “I can’t be like this all the time!”, sabi ko sa sarili ko. So when I got home, I had this urge of installing these dating apps. So after setting up my account and did some swiping, I slept.

Didn’t expect that the next day would totally be different for me…

 

To be continued…

New day! – Tindering @40 The Saga continues…

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